Monday, December 31, 2012

Taking out the trash: 13 discarded quotes for a lucky new year

Unfortunately, this is my last submission to Insider Louisville. Goodbye, friends.
The notebook
We have, at long last, reached year's end.

For the record, I'm not superstitious. I happen to think 2013 will be a magical year and the best in our last several attempts.

In 1999, I began building a sophisticated intelligence network of insiders, nabobs and know-it-alls who trusted me with confidential and sometimes sensitive information. At the time, I had no idea what I was doing.

Sometimes, I still don't.

During this time, I recorded hundreds of quotes from sources that were either irrelevant to the subject at hand or too risque for the audience (there seemed to be a lot of the latter). 2012 was an especially gritty year, with high-ranking people feeling more free to drop the F-bomb on me than any other time in memory. They also commented on unrelated subjects, some of which I found to be hilarious.

Just for fun, I have compiled the 13 best quotes of 2012 to lead us into 2013. I have presented them as they are written in this black, wide-ruled composition notebook that resides in a messy, "catch-all" drawer. The quotes, taken out of context, don't really mean anything. I just thought it would be fun to talk about them. Plus, now I get to get rid of the notes.

In no particular order, here we go:
  1. "That bastard had the balls to suggest I visit a Buddhist haberdashery. Of all the nerve. I mean, what IS that anyway?"
  2. "...the kids, man, they grow up fast. One minute you’re propping up a baby bottle on a wadded blanket to feed her while you finish your work, and before you know it she’s funneling beers in the backseat of a convertible with some popped-collar douchebag named Chip. Oy Vey!"
  3. "You are utterly untalented as a writer, but I still love you."
  4. "You are one of this city's most brilliant writers but you suck are JUST TERRIBLE at being a journalist."
  5. "Have you ever seen Ben Hur? It's kinda like that."
  6. "I have not had time to read any of that other garbage but I want to tell you about MY issue." (this entry has "dopehead" written next to it. Reason unknown.)
  7. "He's a credit-whore. Can't stand him."
  8. "The whole government in Looeyville relies on citizens being as stupid as possible. They have succeeded on all fronts."
  9. "Whatever Terry Boyd is paying you, he needs to double it. Then stick it right back in his pocket. lololololol"
  10. "I mean, these government-sponsored free movies at Iroquois Amphitheater? That's communism right there. Everybody ignores that."
  11. "At first I thought you were just being mean, but after reading this I was as angry as anyone. Thanks for doing this. It really opened my eyes."
  12. "His pizza sucks."
  13. "No wonder they mistreat women. They're all in love WITH GOATS."
The end of 2012 also brought an end to my "Tucker Everblasting" blog at Insider Louisville. It was a great two-year run, but it's nice to be back. 

Here's to a clean slate and more room in the notebook. And watch here for the next big thing.

Thank you for reading the Valley Report.

Happy New Year.