Big trouble - Soon come: Happy New Year 2011 Edition

"So let's drink to Kentucky, way out in the east, where a woman's ass and a whiskey glass made a horse's ass of me.”

Governor Beshear

Tonight is "amateur night" at parties and bar rooms all over Louisville. Places like the venerable Phoenix Hill Tavern will, at the stroke of midnight, have its restrooms coated with vomit by the uninitiated.

It takes years of practice to learn how to celebrate appropriately on New Year's Eve and by the time one is old enough to actually do so, the whole idea of going out has lost its luster.

I have not been out in years. Mostly because of the constant threat of police roadblocks and mass arrests on the streets. But there was a time at a place in Louisville called The Toy Tiger, and I was there and in proper form.

That is a story for another time.

My current New Year's Eve ritual began a couple of years ago. In a lasting fit of boredom, I checked out the Kentucky Legislative Research Commission's website and read the "prefiled bills" to be considered for the upcoming session of the General Assembly. It has become a tradition among some of my friends to make bets on which bills will get out of committee, and this year's collection contains some real gems.

- Making over the counter medicines like Sudafed require a prescription. [BR12]

- Forcing school districts to implement "wellness programs" and mandating physical activity time. [BR13]

- Creating a behemoth, regional MSD-type agency for Bullit, Hardin, Jefferson, Meade, Nelson, Oldham, and Spencer Counties [BR19]

- The Kentucky Firearms Freedom Act. [BR92]

- Amending the state constitution to extend the terms of State Representatives from two to four years and State Senators from four to six years. [BR249]

There are many more examples of disturbing behavior emanating from Frankfort, but we can save those for the New Year. Chew on these prefiled bills for a while, then place your bets. And avoid the Jägermeister.

In 2011, four blessings upon you:

Older whiskey.
Younger women.
Faster horses.
Smarter government.

Happy New Year.

2010 Year-End Headlines

- During a cliche-riddled discussion with The Voice-Tribune's Angie Fenton, incoming Louisville mayor Alfred E. Neuman Greg Fischer says he will go around "testing the temperature of the community."

I will leave it to you, dear reader, to discern exactly how Fischer will be taking your temperature. Hold on to your pants, this may get weird.

- Reasons Why I Hate Insight Communications #145 and 146:  Insight Communications has offered luxury suite tickets to Metro Council members for tomorrow's UK-U of L game in the downtown arena just prior to a vote by said council members on Insight's franchise agreement. It is an agreement that strengthens the company's monopoly on cable service in Louisville and allows them to gouge residents for bad, overpriced service. [WFPL's The Edit]

This delightful nugget of info comes a day after I received a letter from Insight telling me I am now required to have a box for every single television hooked to their mediocre cable. Cable-ready sets are now obsolete, as one may soon only be able to receive cable by means of the cheap, clunky, impractical new converter box. Personally, this action makes my highly prized, under cabinet, 7 inch TV set worthless. Unless, of course, I don't mind installing a goddamned converter box on my countertop.

Since I needed to make a New Year's Resolution, it may as well be this one: I will stop watching television.

- There are tons of prefiled bills to be taken up during the upcoming legislative session by Kentucky Lawmakers, and most of them were filed by reactionary douchebags. Same old, same old. [WFPL]

Here's your midweek update

- The strategy of an entity going bankrupt in order to void a labor contract is a popular one these days, and the tactic is being used locally against the musicians in the Louisville Orchestra. A judge ruled today in favor of the musicians against the orchestra's board in a case where the musicians simply asked to be paid for their work. The board had obviously expected the musicians to play for free due to real or imagined financial problems, then threatened to file bankruptcy and void the negotiated agreement between the parties. The orchestra's board, sitting on a $10 million dollar endowment, is claiming they are broke and cannot afford to pay.  The contract between the orchestra and the musicians expires in May. [WFPL]

- In more positive news, a former stripper has been charged with arson and wanton endangerment after going bananas back in March. The woman, then working at Deja Vu in South Louisville, felt the other girls were stealing her customers and felt compelled to burn all of their dirty stripper-like stuff. [Herald-Leader]

- Shively's mayor and city council officially take the oath of office this Friday. [CJ]

Louisville to Jerry: Here's your hat...what's your hurry?

- In today's Courier Journal print edition: Outgoing Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson is the subject of yet another wistful tribute. The man who has ruled Louisville for over two decades has been the focus of several "end-of-an-era" type columns lately. We, his true and trusty concubines, will seemingly be poorer in his absence. Especially since the election of the boy-king George W. Bush Greg Fischer. But fear not. Most of the Abramson crowd will be hanging around, continuing to pull the levers of government. Fischer will be a symbolic figure that stutters, stammers and jokes his way through his failed first term. May the Lord have mercy on us, for some voters knew not what they were getting.

- Volunteer Opportunity via The Local Weekly: Tax time is quickly approaching and a great organization is looking for a few good men and women to volunteer as tax preparers for the upcoming tax season. The V.I.T.A. program helps those who are unable to prepare their own tax return or cannot afford to have it done. To volunteer for V.I.T.A please call Larry at 574-3459 or Cindi at 574-3441. V.I.T.A is IRS certified and they will provide all training. If you can read and have computer experience than you can do it. This program was a massive success last year and the continuance of V.I.T.A. depends on volunteers like you!

- Whatever happens with the weather today, please do not flip out and jam on the brakes at the stoplight. If you feel like driving is just too much to handle, stay home. What the hell? You probably have some "thank you" cards to write for all that stuff you got for Christmas, and the last of the holiday wine is just sitting there...waiting.

- Oh, and your tap water is poison.